The most special things are the things that don't really belong anywhere but here.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

The Best of 2012

I figured since it was February, it was time to make my best of 2012 list. I know what you’re thinking: shouldn’t I have written this in 2012, or at least in January? Maybe, but I’ve been really busy doing nothing. Besides, isn’t it better this way, because instead of reading through a ton of lists, you can just read through mine with no competition? I like "best of" lists--the best movies, best books, best songs of the year. I like them because they are so forgettable.  (Oh yeah, "Call Me Maybe" was everywhere!) Shouldn't best of lists be a little more personal though? Shouldn't they help us reflect on where we have been as individuals and where we are heading? This is "The Best of 2012, Brigette’s World," and I encourage you to think about yours as I reveal mine.

Best of: My Car

#1: I would like to say that this McDonald’s receipt is the best of my 2012 car trash. It’s from August 22nd (a Wednesday) and all I got was a medium Diet Coke. This is probably my favorite trash item because it makes me reflect on how hot and awful August was and how the aspartame in Diet Coke is probably going to kill me. Also, it’s just SO Brigette!

#2: Haley Reinhart’s Listen Up! was the best of my car CDs. Haley is really sassy and bad-ass, and when she’s playing in my car, I’m less terrified of trucks on the highway, how fast I’m going on the highway, and the fact that I’m a mortal being in a fragile body. Haley wouldn’t be afraid, and Haley wouldn’t want ME to be afraid. Basically what I’m saying is that I really need therapy and this CD helps me drive.

#3: The best of my trunk items is this broken picture frame. I put this in my car in 2007, fully intending to bring it to Goodwill where maybe they’d fix it. Over the years, I’ve become more and more skeptical that Goodwill will want my broken frame, and it just becomes more and more broken as it jostles in my trunk. If I can’t give it away, then why can’t I throw it away? Why does it torture me so much every time I see it? What’s the lesson here?

Best of: My Yard

#1: THIS LEAF. It’s so big. Look at it compared to this birdhouse. Look at it compared to my hand. It’s better than all the other leaves in the neighborhood, and just you tell me it's not.

#2: Fat Squirrel. Ok, so this picture is actually a dramatization of a squirrel that’s in our yard. I can’t get a picture of the real one because she’s too fast. I admire this squirrel because she doesn’t seem to know she’s fat—she’s completely unaware of her limitations. She chases other squirrels, leaps from tree to tree, and boldly eats from the bird feeder while I’m staring her down. She owns her curves and she ain’t afraid of NO-BOH-DAY! We could all take a lesson or two from Fat Squirrel’s book.

Best of: Exercise tools

#1: This G.D. TREADMILL. It’s been in my “office” for months. It doesn’t work. It takes up space. We don’t know what to do with it. It was one of the most hated, useless workout equipment of 2012 and the longer it sits there, the more sure I am that it will become the most hated thing--full stop--of 2013.

#2: Our video tape of Jane Fonda’s Complete workout. I missed a lot of gym time this year, mostly because I almost died every time I drove to Fitness USA, (I only survived because I was listening to Haley Reinhart) so I watched this instead. This video cracked me up so much while at the same time giving me a real workout. I tried to burn it to DVD, but it had some sort of copyright thing on it. HOW did the tape makers of the 80’s know that DVD burners were going to exist someday? HOW?  Blame the government.
                              (Thankfully, I'm "good" at filming the TV. It's possible I already shared this.)

Best of: Mind Control

#1: Twitter. I resisted getting a Twitter account for a long
time because I knew that it would take over my life. I figured I had enough life-sucking things and I didn’t need it. But then I got an iPhone. It’s so fun how you have INSTANT access to so many different kinds of people who interest you!!! Like when one of your favorite celebs takes a fart, you know!!! And you always know what’s happening in the news—ALL KINDS OF NEWS!!! And it’s not Facebook, where half the people post stuff that makes you want to murder them, because you only follow like-minded people, many of whom you don’t even know!!! I’ve gotten nothing done in months, and I blame Twitter, but I love Twitter. Twitter is my boyfriend. What would I do without Twitter?

#2: Dexter. I’ve been a fan of Dexter since I started watching it, but this past season—season 7—okay, I’m not going to give any spoilers, but I feel like my feelings could better be described by half sentences anyway. The part where she remembers the—AH! The part where he walks in and all his—AHH! Is—AHH! The scene in the parking garage!!! The GAS station! THE VERY END! And I SO predicted that one event would go down like Selena, right?! I recently made the choice to re-watch the whole series, which was either the best decision or the worst decision I could have ever made. I’m almost done with season 5 & I’ve only been at this for two weeks, so you tell me. The worst part is, I know the series can only end in tragedy, so caring this much will ensure that when the show ends, I will slump into a deep depression.
Why did I want to include this picture so badly?

Best of: Day Dreams

#1: Basically every day on my way to work in 2012, I day dreamed that I was taping a segment for one of Oprah’s shows on OWN. It went like this. Me: “This used to be my drive to work every day.” Oprah: “What does this feel like?” Me: “Wow, it’s crazy. It’s been so long since I’ve even driven down this street.” Oprah: “Could you ever have imagined that you would be such a successful writer? That you would be the household name that you are now?” Me: “You know, I felt like I should be, but maybe everyone does. How can you tell the difference between feeling like something is destiny and just being delusional or narcissistic? Honestly, no Oprah. All this success felt impossible." Then, I'd get out of my car—in  real life—and  remember that none of that was real. Am I a narcissist? Did I just make you cry?!?!

#2: I wouldn’t really call this one a day dream, because it’s not something that I WANT to have happen, but I did find myself playing it in my head a lot in 2012. Backstory: my friend Kathryn and I text each other constantly because we’re basically fourteen-year-old girls. We also have a really boarderline sense of humor that has led us to write “I hope the government doesn’t read our texts” several times. I won’t share them with you, but I will say we made a lot of seriously amoral jokes during the summer of the Casey Anthony trail. The following text exchange is a completely fictional--and tame--representation of something we may text. I imagine this:

Kathryn is on trial for murder. I think it’s ridiculous. The prosecutor has me on the witness stand and is asking me about our text messages to verify her alibi.

P: At 1:25, you texted Kathryn, ‘I gots the diabetis. I just got out of a coma.’ She texted back, ‘Great, I’ll visit you in the hospital right after I do this drug run.’
Me: We texted that, but we were just joking. Kathryn doesn’t sell drugs.
P: Then you texted, ‘Shouldn’t you stop by the liquor store first though? To rob it? I can’t decide what I want for dinner. All I want is more ice cream.’
Me: I didn’t really mean she should rob a liquor store.
P: Really? Because the suggestion looks pretty infused into a normal conversation.
Me: (laughing)
P: Is something funny, Miss Thornes?
Me: Yes. This whole thing is ridiculous! Kathryn did not murder anyone and you’re wasting everyone’s time.
P: So you don’t have diabetes, then?
Me: No.
P: And you were never in a coma?
Me: No!
P: Well, that’s interesting. Because we have a signed statement where Kathryn says where she was the night of the murder. ‘I was visiting my friend Brigette in the hospital. She just got out of a diabetic coma. If you don’t believe me, check our text messages.’

I look at Kathryn in disbelief. Her face is full of fear. She lied to me. She did kill Horatio in a jealous rage. Kathryn is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to death.

Now, it’s time for the breakdown.

Best of inside jokes that I’m not going to explain: “Grilled chesse? Grilled cheese?!”
Best of places where I spent the most time: The reclining sofa chair closest to the fridge.
Best of places where I spent the least time: The gym
Best of places where I went the most: Biggby
Best of places that made me smell the worst after I went there: Biggby
Best of addictions that I couldn’t break: caffine
Best of type of pants that I basically stopped wearing altogether: jeans
Best of national events that almost killed me: waiting to see the presidential election results
Best of temporarily life ruining events: my doctor telling me my swollen foot was RSD when it actually was not RSD.
Best of epiphanies: My skin was so much better when I was an undergrad, but it was also really doughy. Like Pilsbury doughy. I’d rather be spotty than doughy because you can’t cover up dough with make-up. You have no idea how much milk I drank the first 20 years of my life.

Ok, I could keep going, but I know you’re all dying to jump in now. What was the best of your personal world? Your car, your thoughts, your epiphanies? Let me know in the comments! And aren’t you glad I waited until February to post this?

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