Have you ever looked through your parent's old video tapes to find ways to change your physical structure? Have you ever looked to fitness mentors in days gone by, ignoring the ones that exist today? Well if you have, then boy, do you have a friend in me! When my
The first one I found is from 1985, a year after I was born. A lot of the things Jane tells you to do are bad for you. For example, she starts the video with neck pulses. We know now that you are not supposed to pulse-- who knows why, it probably causes blood deterioration-- then moves on to a very long shoulder-shrugging session, then aerobics. Much of the aerobics involve hopping from foot to foot and doing other things quickly, which meant I just sort of walked around on my tip toes and flailed my arms. But BOY, did I feel the burn from those shoulder shrugs the next day!
The best part of the video is singing along with Leslie Lillien, as Jane tells you to do, so you can make sure you are breathing properly.
The next workout tape I found, and the one I prefer, is Jane Fonda's workout from 1988. This one opens with a claymation Jane Fonda bopping her head to the beat before the workout begins. As a child, I was enchanted by this claymation person. I wanted my very own live, claymation playmates. I imagined making them water beds out of plastic bags. When I was bored in class, I imagined claymation people running across the desks and light fixtures and black boards. Can't you imagine the cool sensation of a little claymation hand wrapped around your finger? No. I mean, what?
I realized while exercising to this video that I wasn't flailing as much; I could actually do some of the dance moves. I worked up a real sweat! It was fun! My confidence was BLOSSOMING! But then I tried to convert it to DVD and a notice popped up: COPYRIGHT PROHIBITED. How on earth were they able to make a tape in 1988 that contained the technology to repel a DVD burner that HADN'T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET? Damn you, crazy tape scientists!
One thing that I've noticed about both of these videos is how often people scream, "Ow!" and "Woo!" Because they're really feelin' the burn, except if you actually look at the mouths of the people working out, those noises are coming from NO ONE, which means they were all added in post. Can you imagine if that were your job? You wake up in the morning, have a bagel and coffee, then go into the studio and scream, "Woo! Ow! Yeah baby!" for twelve hours. Picture the woman who dreamed of being a Broadway star, but this was what she did with her life instead. Picture her riding home on the subway, crying silently into the gyro sandwich she bought on the sidewalk outside the studio. I'm sure this job caused a lot of strained vocal cords and suicides.
|Who doesn't workout with a tissue paper butterfly?|
Mousercise, anyone?! You Tube is so helpful for finding new old ways to get your workout on.
It's interesting when you think about how low-impact these exercises are. (Ignore that the last two examples are for children.) Consider how we view working out today. My sis got P90x for Christmas, a really intense workout regimen that nearly killed her. I'm half kidding. (At one point, she was so skinny that when she came up behind me in the bathroom and I saw her reflection in the mirror, I thought she was a gaunt, middle-eastern man.) Think about all the heavy weights people buy, all the marathons they run, and all the diets they try to maintain their weight.
None of this would be necessary if we were still an agrarian society. Who needs Jane Fonda when you've got cows to milk, barrels of hay to throw up into piles, and wheat to sow? (I have no idea what you do on a farm.) Why don't we get back to BASICS!? There needs to be a workout video that requires you to buy farm props, then do workouts where you do things with the farm props to mimic what we used to do on the farm. Again, I have no idea what these props would be or what you would do, because I don't know how a farm works.
What do you think, friends? Do you remember any of these videos? How do you stay healthy? What workout videos SHOULD be made? Do you think it's possible for scientists to shrink a human brain and put it in a claymation body? Now, don't automatically say 'no.' Consider the fact that we've been to the moon and have smart phones. It could happen in our lifetime, right? But I mean, whatever, it doesn't really matter, I don't even care.