The most special things are the things that don't really belong anywhere but here.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Bad Ideas

Before I get started, I just want to say that I’m sorry if this blog grosses anybody out, but honestly, it’s something I’ve thought about a lot and it affects all of us, so you know, get over it.

What bothers you about they way things are? About how we’re made? About the “rules” of life? I think that the most irritating thing about having a human body is having to pee at inconvenient times, especially in the middle of the night. There’s nothing worse than happily dreaming that you’re riding a giraffe who sounds like Samuel L. Jackson, you’re almost to the pot of gold and the door that leads to all your wishes, and then you awaken. There’s nothing more painful than pulling off the covers and making that cold, zombie walk down to the bathroom. Do I ever long for the days of the bedpan? Yes and no. The walk may be shorter, but they can get messy. Why, I remember back in 1879 when my twin sister, Delores, stepped in her FULL ben pan. We called her “Pittle Foot” for weeks! (But I DO miss wearing those bonnets to bed. CAN I get a witness?!) Anyway, if the bathroom isn’t the answer, and the bedpan isn’t the answer, then what is?

As a child, I fantasized about rolling off of my bed and falling into a little train that would choo-choo me to the toilet. It was a good fantasy, but then I got a better one: removable bladders.

Wouldn’t it be great if we were born with four or five bladders and when one got full, we could remove it and empty it at our leisure? I used to imagine unzipping my abdomen and setting my bladder on my nightstand without ever even opening my eyes.

Would this actually be a bad idea? Not if people were responsible with their bladders. But let’s be realistic. There would probably be a lot of full bladders left around, especially by careless school children. There would be bladders all over play grounds. People would get their bladders mixed up with their friend’s bladders. There would be fights over whose bladder was whose. Bullies would chuck their bladders at the nerdy kids. Nerdy kids would be allergic to the bullies’ bladders. Mostly, bladders would just get lost.

Naturally, this would all lead to a great deal of bladder-carrying products. Good capitalists would go crazy with so many opportunities to make money off of the mindlessness of others. There would be stores and websites dedicated to helping you keep track of your bladders. These products would be just as common as any other thing we routinely purchase today, like scrunchies, leg warmers, or hair crimping irons. CAN I get a witness?!

But sadly, even with all these great products, probably only half of the people on earth would use them and handle their bladders responsibly. Seeing bladders up and down our streets would be just as common as gum on the sidewalks (I’m really not sure which is more disgusting to me-- I have a thing with gum). The homeless, the young, the old, the drunk, the desperate—any could be guilty of leaving their bladder on someone’s lawn, in a tree, or on a park bench.

Some people would probably use each other's bladders, which would lead to the spread of disease. Many bladders would get damaged, being chewed on by the house cat or accidentally falling into a bag of nails. Some may even misplace all their bladders and not know it until it’s too late,  leaving their bodies with nothing to hold the waste. Any of these scenarios could lead to septic shock, and ultimately, DEATH.

So, if we had removable bladders, it would probably only be a matter of time before we would all die. Do I really think humans are that stupid? Well, kind of, yes. So it seemed like a good idea when I was eight, but it’s actually a bad idea. I guess God made us a certain way for a reason! Or the Annunaki. Whatever.

What are some of your ideas that seemed good to you at first, but then, upon reflection, turned out to be bad? What do you think is the most irritating thing about having a human body? (Let’s stay clean, people; this is a family blog!) Do you think potty trains should be installed in all new houses? Sound off!

1 comment:

  1. I don't know that I've ever had an idea quite this great. Certainly not one that contained the very real possibility of cats chewing on bladders, or any other sort of internal organ. I'm also fairly certain you could market something called a "potty train."